i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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