So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
