I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
