Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
