But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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