I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
