Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
