life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
