I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
