My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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