i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
