So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
