nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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