What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
