highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Let's paint friendship bongs
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
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In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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