The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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