So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
