i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
