i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
How's work?
Spinning.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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