I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
