i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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