Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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