Where did you get a picture of my penis
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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