The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's shark week go big or go home
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
