i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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