I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
