I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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