Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
