Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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