the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
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