im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
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So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
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I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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