I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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