im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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