When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
