Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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