whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I need to calm my uterus...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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