I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
