I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
