i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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