Whatcha textin bout Willis?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
