Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
