Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
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We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
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Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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