I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
