"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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