bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
