apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
