i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
