I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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