Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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