There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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