I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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