Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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