if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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