after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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