can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
