i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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