Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
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Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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