FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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