my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
