I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
