The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
