I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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