I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
