My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies