Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.