the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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