Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
