hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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