omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
