I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
